Tuesday’s Rant: Asshole America

Firstly, before we get into this episode of “Mark rants like a little child about something that annoys him,” I want to apologize for not posting over the weekend. I won’t lie, I had nothing pressing. I just couldn’t think of a good way to word the article, so I will be postponing it until this upcoming weekend. With that over, we now return you to our regularly scheduled program.

Know what pisses me off? People in America and the American Government at large acting as if we’re the greatest fucker in the world, and that we have a right to walk over anybody we please, but the minute someone does it to us, we scream like a little girl and go crying home to momma. Then when momma explains to us that if we didn’t want Billy to kick us in the testicles, we shouldn’t have done it to him first, we slap momma in the face and call her a dirty two-faced lying whore. Aren’t we a lovely child?

If America was a child, it would be the type that would drive its mother to become a raging alcoholic and scream at her child about how she should have gotten an abortion in between snorting enough cocaine to kill a hippopotamus, just to forget that her bastard spawn-of-the-devil child doesn’t exist.

To begin with: FUCKING NAFTA. FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING NAFTA. The North American Free Trade Agreement is the biggest load of horse cock this side of horse cock mountain. To summarize, what the Horse Cock Agreement basically does is eliminate trade barriers between countries. Its big brother, Elephant Cock Organization (also known as the World Trade Organization) polices over world free trade, making sure that international trade is “liberalized.” Free trade liberalizes trade as much as raping a woman makes her your wife. And that is not a harsh analogue, because Free Trade literally does rape the world (now you’re probably getting the point of the cock jokes).  Free trade essentially says that no country can tell another country that they won’t accept a good of theirs. Sounds good in theory, right?

Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, FUCKING WRONG! Free Trade is as good for the world economy as going on a psychotic murderous rage and killing ten thousand people is good for getting your soul up to the pearly white gates to have a chat with Saint Peter. Free Trade doesn’t just mess up the world economy, it fucks it with a monkey-wrench and then pulls its intestines out through its urethra. Wanna know what fucked up the milk economy in the US? Free Trade. Wanna know what fucked up the coffee economy in Colombia? Free Trade. Wanna know what fucked up the milk, coffee and corn economy in Mexico? Free Trade. Wanna know the main reason why so many illegal immigrants can’t find work in their own countries and so come from Mexico and the other central and south American countries to come to our country, to further fuck up our economy? FREE MOTHERFUCKING TRADE!

American grain and coffee companies dump MILLIONS of pounds of grain and coffee (most of it that they don’t deem fit enough to serve to their customers) on the Mexican market. Now, if you know anything about the Mexican economy, you’ll know that two giant staples of its economy, are coffee and grain (such as corn, maize, rice, etc). Dumping this amount of outside coffee and grain into the market causes the market price to plummet. Suddenly, Mexican families who have worked ten generations on the same corn or coffee farm can’t sell their coffee and find themselves out of a job, then out of a house and then dead or illegally immigrating to North America.

FONTERRA® is a New Zealand based milk mogul. They are one of the largest milk companies on the planet. They dump billions of gallons of surplus milk on other countries every year, and one of their biggest ‘dump sites’ is the United States. This has caused milk prices to plummet, making it impossible for family owner dairy farms to make a living, causing many of them to close down. I live in Vermont, and I can’t even buy VERMONT BASED MILK at the major supermarkets. It’s hard to even find Vermont based milk at the INDEPENDENT MARKETS. The dumping of milk on our markets causes giant moguls like Hood to be the only ones that can compete.

“But Mark!” you cry, “I can get ORGANIC VALLEY® milk at my supermarket! That punches a hole in your argument!” Well, Stupid Person, Organic Valley® is THE LARGEST COOP OF ORGANIC MILK IN THE UNITED STATES! Firstly, to be considered organic you have to do very little. “Hey! I don’t kick my cows in the face and make them eat other cows! That makes me organic! Hooray!” Secondly, most of the ‘organic farmers’ working on Organic Valley® are large farms that employ hundreds of people. They are not the small, quaint (and beautiful) farms that dot the landscape of states like Vermont. They are not the farms that are operated by one family that gets up at the crack of dawn, milks the cows until the sun goes down, then goes to sleep and gets up the next day–regardless of the weather–and does it again. And while Organic Valley® is a good company, as far as the giant companies go, they are not a flaw in my argument, since they are part of the argument. So before you go screaming some moronic thing like “Organic Valley® is a small company,” or “Cumberland Farms® is a Small Company,” make sure you know what you’re talking about. Because if either of those statements are true, I am a flying monkey with a banana hat.

“Oh wait!” You might be thinking, as you think back to that wonderful organic milk you bought in the store, “What about HORIZON®! HA!” Well, even more stupid person than the last, Horizon® is THE largest supplier of organic milk in America. Furthermore, it is owned by Dean Foods® which is a multi-billion dollar company. Do we have all of your asinine arguments out of the way? Good. Moving on.

Free Trade doesn’t just affect milk and grain, however, it affects everything. Cars, clothes, technology, entertainment, and the list goes on and on. Know all those politicians that scream about how everything in American should be made in America? Remember Joe “I can’t talk right now, my one brain cell is taking a nap” Biden talking about how he dreams of a day when people can purchase a product and read “Made in America” on it? Well I bet you everything I have (It’s not much, but I still bet it) that if you walked up to politicians like him, and asked them what they thought of NAFTA, they’d say it was great. And at that point, you could point at them and have them escorted away by the Bullshit Police (they really do need to exist). Any politician who says that he dreams of a day when we can read “Made in America” on every product we buy, but also doesn’t think that the North American Free Trade Agreement or World Trade Organization are anything but giant steaming piles of rat feces, are two moos away from bullshit.

The main problem, is that they do want to be able to pick up products that say “Made in America” but they don’t want other countries to have the same privilege. They want to dump all their excess products onto other countries, but the minute the other country does it to us, we scream about how unfair life is, and how mean that country is and how they’re probably full of “socialist liberal communist nazis” (which makes no sense, but we’ll let Glenn Beck have his fun) and they eat babies for breakfast. We want to be able to let Monsanto® essentially ship their products all over the world, and inundate markets with them, thus causing their prices to plummet. But the minute Fonterra® does it to us, we scream and cry to mommy and then we plot to have everything say “made in America.” And then that never happens because of the WTO and NAFTA, and we’re back where we started, knee-deep in bullshit.

Lastly, if any one of you tells me, “But Mark, you’re wrong. Fair Trade is a good thing!” I’m going to find out where you live, drive to your house and have you escorted away by the stupid police because clearly your existence lowers the global IQ. Yes, Fair Trade is a good thing. It’s a fantastic thing, and a great thing and even better than fish and chips SMOTHERED in sweet butter. But it is not Free Trade. Free Trade is about as far away from Fair Trade as Adolf Hitler is from Mother Theresa. But that’s an explanation for another, less angry article.

NAFTA, and the WTO, ladies and gentlemen. That’s what FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!

liked or disliked this article? Want me to do more? Want me to do less? Let me know in the comments section!

2 responses to “Tuesday’s Rant: Asshole America

  1. Kitten in Maine

    This has got to be the funniest, I guess mostly true? Can’t wait to read the next blog…

  2. Dear Sir:
    This is a fabulous post.
    Thank you.

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